Prompted by something on Twitter

Prompted by something on Twitter, my reply was Brit embassies are fucking useless.  Here’s why.

What follows is not totally factual but reflects the feeling that one gets, as an expat, in countries like Qatar.  Qatar is Islamic, it works on the Sharia Law, it has a Civil Code but unless you are a member of the Royal Family that means nothing.

So, here you are; you want/need to replace your passport.  You go to the embassy and speak to a very English gentleman.

“Hi, I need to renew my passport because it’s full, it hasn’t expired so can you point me in the right direction please?”

“Have you downloaded the form?”

“Er, yes from the FCO website.”

“Ah, good.  Send it to Dusseldorf.”

“Um, I’m here in Qatar and of course I need my passport for work so it would be really good if you could renew it for me.”

Sharp intake of breath. “Oh no, we don’t do that.”

“Hmm, so why do I have to send it to Dusseldorf?”

“Well we decided that looking after the petty beaurocracy associated with passport renewal was, well, somewhat tedious.  So now we tell people to send their requests to Dusseldorf.”

“But I’m British and it is a British passport!”

“And?”

“Ok, accepting the passport situation, can you tell me what you’d do if I was arrested for say, chewing gum in public during Ramadan?”

“Probably ignore it.”

“Sorry?”

“Well, you’ve come here to work so you obviously know the laws, so why should we worry?  Do you chew gum by the way?”

“No.” 

“Well then what are you worried about?”

Taking another tack.  “Well then, if I were to have a serious accident which subsequently proved fatal, would the Embassy arrange the repatriation of my body and keep my family informed?”

“Are you insured?”

“Well yes.”

“Nope.”

“Er, you are here to look after the British expats aren’t you?”

“Oh, good lord no.  We’re here to look after British interests.  That means we arrange trips for local dignitaries to the UK where they can buy up businesses, spend their cash on various entertainments and generally have a good time.  

As to you, I suggest you go to DHL and send off that passport before you are jailed as an illegal.”