Dateline: London, March 1, 2015
The State of Emergency introduced in May 2010 is to be extended for another five years, Prime Minister-for-Life Gordon Brown announced in London yesterday.
Such was the scale of the crisis facing the country that a General Election could only lead to instability.
Labour would continue in power indefinitely, Brown pledged. He was getting on with the job, taking the difficult decisions, which is what people wanted him to do.
This was no time for a novice, the Prime Minister-for-Life insisted. The people had spoken when they rejected the Etonian salesman Cameron in May 2010. There was no need for a fresh mandate.
Even though the Conservatives won the popular vote and became the largest party at Westminster, they failed to secure an overall majority in the Commons, as a result of boundary changes introduced by Labour.
For almost a week after the results were declared, Brown refused to leave Number 10 Downing Street. The only evidence that someone was still inside was the fusillade of mobile phones and computer keyboards being thrown out of the windows.
Eventually, he put out a deranged statement on YouTube in which he blamed the election result on the low turn-out caused by the worst winter weather in 30 years, which began in America.
When the Queen invited him to the Palace to ask for his resignation, he declined on the grounds that Sarah was washing her hair that day. He was getting on with the job, taking the difficult decisions, which is what people wanted him to do.
Several days later, Brown announced via Twitter that he intended to form a government of national unity. Although his initial overtures to the LibDems to join a coalition were rejected, Nick Clegg relented when Brown promised to introduce a full system of proportional representation during the lifetime of the Parliament.
In his first Budget, the new Chancellor Ed Balls said that Labour planned to increase 'investment' by £100 billion a year to stave off recession, which started in America.
This would include an immediate expansion of the council house building programme to accommodate the ten million extra immigrants expected to arrive in the next decade, as well as hundreds of thousands more unmarried, teenage mothers living on welfare.
As part of an emergency financial package, Britain's remaining gold reserves were sold off to one of those firms which advertise on daytime television, yielding almost £47.50.
Since this fell some way short of the national debt of £2 trillion, further measures were needed. The 'rich' would have to pay their fair share.
The Government announced the top rate of tax was being increased to 110 per cent on all incomes above £50,000, VAT was to rise to 50 per cent and stamp duty would be levied at 33 per cent on all property sales, except caravans and mobile homes belonging to members of the travelling community.
Hedge fund managers and most of the City of London had already decamped abroad to avoid penal rates of taxation.
They were followed in quick succession by thousands of British plumbers and bricklayers, who decided to seek a better life in Poland.
The financial markets went into meltdown. When the pound plunged to parity with the Zimbabwean dollar, the IMF cut off Britain's line of credit.
In a desperate attempt to prevent national insolvency, Balls approached several of those companies, promoted by Carol Vorderman, which promise to consolidate all your loans into one easy monthly payment, even if you have CCJs. But he was turned down flat.
Unemployment rocketed to 25 per cent, except in Newcastle, the North-West, Scotland and Northern Ireland, where nine out of ten people now work for the Government.
Vince Cable resigned from Parliament to become guest host of Strictly Come Dancing, after being overlooked for Chancellor when Balls resigned following a fist fight with Brown, which the Prime Minister-for-Life later denied, saying he'd never hit anyone, honest.
The LibDems left the coalition soon afterwards, when it became apparent Brown had no intention of fulfilling his promise to introduce PR.
After failing to form a new alliance with Sinn Fein, Respect and Nick Griffin (BNP MP for Barking), Brown declared a State of Emergency, under powers drawn up in wartime.
He claimed that he had the authority, since the threat from the economic crisis, which began in America, was at least as great as that posed by the Nazis in 1939, or his name wasn't Winston Churchill.
As Britain was now a full province of the European Union, pursuant to a little-known clause hidden in the small print of the Lisbon Treaty, Parliament was abolished.
That was when Brown declared himself Prime Minister-for-Life. His position was endorsed by the new President-in-Perpetuity of Europe, Lord Mandelson, speaking from his official suite on board a Russian yacht off Corfu.
Protesters who tried to storm Downing Street were repelled by three divisions of the European Defence Force, under the command of an EU Reichsmarschall from the 17th Panzer Division, now garrisoned at Aldershot.
Several attempts by forces loyal to former Prime Minister Tony Blair to mount a leadership coup ended in failure.
Brown said there was no need for anyone to worry that they might lose their seats at the next election, since he had no intention of ever holding one.
After the publication of the Chilcot Inquiry into Iraq, Blair himself was arrested for war crimes as he arrived at Heathrow from Switzerland, where he had moved after his 'non-dom' status in Britain was revoked.
The European Arrest Warrant was executed personally by the new Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police Ali Dizaei, who was promoted and awarded £2 million compensation for 'racism' when his prison sentence for corruption was overturned by Lord Chief Justice Keith Vaz.
At the same hearing, Vaz refused to commute a five-year jail sentence given to a 72-year-old pensioner from Walsall, who was caught on CCTV walking her pet labrador without a licence.
The decision was welcomed by the Prime Minister-for-Life, who claimed it was conclusive evidence that his tough law-and-order policies were cutting crime.
Despite the dire financial crisis at home and the collapse of the currency abroad, which had seen petrol rise to £10 a litre (when available), Brown continues to pose as a world statesman.
But his plans to hold a 'global warming' summit in London in January 2012 had to be cancelled because of the continuing bad weather.
That month saw widespread power cuts, following the failure of Britain's last decrepit nuclear power station and record low temperatures, which caused every single one of the 50,000 wind turbines erected across the country to freeze solid, snap in half and fall over.
Six months later, Argentina invaded the Falklands again. This time the Argentines were welcomed with open arms. The islanders were so disillusioned with events back 'home' that they said they were ashamed to be British.
When Brown phoned the White House to ask for help, President Obama refused to take his call, on account of the fact he was playing golf with Tiger Woods.
With the Government distracted by the invasion overseas and by the food riots at home, Bradford, Leicester and Blackburn unilaterally declared that they were now independent Islamic states operating under Sharia law.
The Queen abdicated and moved at the invitation of Lord Ashcroft to Belize, where her neighbours include David Cameron, William Hague and Lord Paul.
In March 2015, the number of British citizens seeking asylum abroad overtook the number of people claiming asylum in Britain.
When Brown's last-ditch application to join the euro was vetoed by Greece, the Tory leader Boris Johnson demanded, from his villa in Turkey, that an immediate General Election should be called.
But speaking to TV's Sir Piers Morgan OBN on Newsnight, the Prime Minister-for-Life wiped away tears and said this was no time for a novice, certainly not another stuck-up Etonian salesman.
He was getting on with the job of saving the world, which is what people wanted him to do. An election would only lead to insanity
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